AN MBA IN SEVEN HAIKUS

AN MBA IN SEVEN HAIKUS

A few years back, a colleague and I were asked by a client to run a management development programme on Business Improvement, a topic about which we knew nothing (for those readers who don’t see that as something which has ever stopped a consultant accepting an assignment, I’d like to point out the reason we were chosen is because the client’s interest was in our particular approach to learning design).

We duly read up around the topic, and hired in an expensive expert to add some gravitas to our offering. But the more we learned about the subject, the more it seemed – how shall I put it? – a little ‘obvious’. The gist of it, as far as we could tell, was: 1) identify what isn’t working; and 2) put it right. Surely we must have missed something?

This is a perennial business phenomenon. Ambitious individuals sell their kidneys to be able to afford to complete ‘world class’ MBA programmes. They emerge two years later armed with the finest management theories in the world – theories which, everyone assumes, must be complex; otherwise why would you need to spend two years studying them?

It reminds me of an experiment some years back in which a group of students were asked to attend two lectures. The instruction to the first lecturer was: “Make sure you make the subject as simple and easy to understand as possible.” The second lecturer was told to obfuscate the subject until it was completely impenetrable. Then the students were asked from which lecture they felt they had learned the most. Interestingly, they chose the one that was complete gobbledegook.

Why can’t the Government pass a law that makes it illegal to take more than two sentences to explain a business model? Or, for maximum artistic stimulation, requires it to be explained in that acme of brevity, the Japanese Haiku poem? Think how much time we’d all save. Not only that, but I could implement my New Year's resolution to make as much money as possible doing as little as possible. I’m planning to charge £20,000 a pop for my new e-programme, the MBA in Seven Haikus. Here it is in its entirety (By the way, opening this email implies acceptance of your place. I run an honesty system, and look forward to your cheque by return. Happy New Year.)

MODULE ONE: FORMULATING STRATEGY

Talk at length for hours.

Then make it all fit into

A four-box matrix.

MODULE TWO: FORECASTING

Analyse the past

In great depth. Pause. Now stick your

Finger in the wind.

MODULE THREE: FINANCE

Tell the shareholders

Earnings will grow year on year.

It’s now Sales’ problem!

MODULE FOUR: REENGINEERING

Draw a process map

(Or build one out of Lego).

Then move it around.

MODULE FIVE: MARKETING

You must have a brand!

(Otherwise, you wouldn’t need

A Marketing dept.)

MODULE SIX: TOP TALENT MANAGEMENT

Pay them what they ask.

Then make them work all weekend.

Who’s the one with brains?

MODULE SEVEN: LEADERSHIP

When the leader’s work

Is done, then the people say:

“It’s the boss’s fault!”

(Disclaimer: These may

Take a lifetime to master.

Sorry, no refunds.)