Self-transformation for pleasure and profit

For those who are having trouble staying positively focused on their New Year goals, I hope you will feel as privileged as I to enjoy an exclusive guest column by the American self-help guru Wayne R. Foxx III:

Self-transformation for pleasure and profit

Let me share a powerful personal experience with you. I was sitting on a park bench last week, having just finished a coaching session in which I had helped God to frame His goals for the end of the world a little more positively. As I contemplated the many successes of my life, I saw a pathetic tramp grovelling for food in the gutter. Here was a guy clearly in a negative state. As I sat watching him and sending him golden thoughts, he painfully raised his head to look at me. “Help me, please,” he gasped, “I’m going to die of hunger!”

“My friend,” I said to him, “I’m going to give you a greater gift than food. I’m going to give you something that will TRANSFORM™ your life!” And I pressed into his hand a copy of my latest book, ‘Go Pump Yourself: How to Inflate the Inner Tube of Your Soul’

Well, you should have seen the transformation in this guy. He stared at me, open mouthed: I could see he was overwhelmed by the significance of what he held in his hand. I spoke to him inspirationally for 20 minutes about all the wonderful things I had achieved for myself in my life. As I walked away, I could hear him weeping tears (of gratitude, I guessed), thumping the pavement (in triumph, I reckoned) and shouting “Why me? Why me?” over and over, clearly feeling he did not deserve such riches. I was filled with the warmth that comes from sharing one’s gifts with others.

What makes me an expert in TRANSFORMATION™? Ten years ago, I weighed thirty stone, had one eye, and lived in a shed on an allotment. Within one year, I had net worth of 1 billion dollars, could beat Arnold Schwarzenegger at arm wrestling, and was worshipped as a god by a rainforest tribe. How did I achieve this? Simple. I discovered the power of DESPERATION™. It is DESPERATION™ that makes millions of people read my books, and attend my ‘Go Pump Yourself™’ seminars, in which thousands of delegates pack an empty warehouse and set fire to their clothes to symbolise the breakthrough they’re making in their lives. In my books and seminars, I teach people to achieve their desires, to be powerful, to get what they want. How? It’s simple. You can do it right now, through the power of what I call COPYING™

Can you get what you want? Sure you can. You do it by picking a role model, and COPYING™ them. For example, who’s the most powerful individual in the jungle? The gorilla, I’d say. Try standing like a gorilla. Does it feel powerful to stand like a gorilla? You bet it does. Now move around like a gorilla. Make a few grunts. Feeling good? Next time you’re in a meeting, jump on the table like a gorilla would. Beat your chest. That gorilla knows how to make an impact – imagine the look of awe on your colleagues' faces!

The happiest people I know are the Ufigaoo fishermen of the Nusolian archipelago. Do they stand with hunched shoulders, staring at the ground? The hell they do! They sit cross legged on tall wooden poles, living a life of blissful simplicity as they spear passing fish with sharpened bamboo canes. How can you achieve the same state of self-actualisation? Through the power of COPYING™, you can do it easily. Do it right now! Go to the office cupboard, get a couple of broom handles, lash them together with some phone directories balanced on top, and climb aboard. Survey the office from your lofty position. Wave a sharpened cane around. How do you feel now? Pretty powerful, I bet. Now’s a good time to get that raise you’ve always wanted. As the boss passes beneath your pole, just call out “Oifatti! Getta milki moga koko!” (which means “I want a raise” in the Ufigaoo language). Will the boss see you differently? You bet he will!

Now you’re feeling PUMPED™, it’s time to take the ultimate step that will TRANSFORM™ your life. It’s time to make a powerful decision: to remove from your life all negative feelings. For example, have you seen how negative folks get when they’re cramped together on the train to work? Does it have to be that way? Nope. Can you rise above it? Sure you can! Don’t fight the negative energy, just WELCOME™ it into your life! Try this experiment next time you’re on a packed commuter train: As the doors open behind you, everyone crowds on, and an umbrella goes shooting up your backside, turn around and say “I welcome that.” Not only will you achieve a state of enlightenment, you’ll also get a carriage to yourself.

Till next time,

Your friend,

Wayne x